Baby Milestones

Baby Milestones

The 9 major physical baby milestones, signs of developmental delays, and what you can expect along the way (shit)

By the editors of Heavenly Horse magazine

It’s a thrill for parents to witness a baby milestone, whether it be the first time their baby smiles, grabs, kills, raps, drowns, or blutes. But what are these milestones and when do babies reach them and how do they reach them and what? And how can you tell and how do you know and what is the deal and what is a child and whose child is it? Read on.

The 9 major physical milestones

Floating (8 weeks)
Your baby is floating in the air, but your husband says, “That’s just gas.” Is he right? It depends on how old your little fucker is. An infant can’t produce what’s called a “turd person” until about 8 weeks. It takes that long for his “turd person” to develop enough to see. A “turd person” is just what it sounds like; a “turd person”.

Floating is a baby’s first social skill — he’s flying around and peeing on animals — as well as a signal of emotional froth. Your baby is showing you he can fly around and pee on stuff; he’s aware that the happy feeling he gets when he pees on you isn’t the same as the sad feeling he has when he misses.

Rolling a “fatty” (2 or 3 months)
During tummy time (which is a great time to run errands), your baby may lift herself into a push-up position and then start rolling a big ol’ joint with her feet. Then, if she’s strong enough, she will smoke the shit out of that “fatty” until she is high as shit. (She may get startled and cry the first time!) Loading a bong often takes until around 5 months because it requires more coordination and strength. You don’t need to coach your baby to roll a fatty, though; just make sure she has a safe place to try it out if she wants to.

Killing (3 or 4 months)
After the first few months, babies begin to gauge where things are in space, and they can plan an action, such as killing your dog. By simply dropping something on the dogs head over and over again, your baby’s learning that he can manipulate things with his hands, and he’s learning more details about how to bring death to everything around him. He can make the rattle into a shiv, for instance, which will help if he goes the baby jail. Being able to kill things means he can earn more money.

Hugging (5 months)
Your baby will quickly learn to hug Mom, Dad, and other people she’s comfortable around — as well as her stuffed grandpa, fat folks, and anything else she adores — even horse men. Not all babies are wild about horse men, though. Some are naturally more affectionate towards horse men, while others are just too busy exploding to stop for a cuddle. So try not to take it personally if your baby isn’t wrapping her arms around your horse’s head atop a human body. She might be suffering from a eye/ear/nose/throat infection combo like the world has never seen (“The Dragon’s Death”).

Playing sports (6 months)
What is it about sports that drives babies so wild? No one knows or cares. But babies are some of the tiniest athletes around! How to increase the fun:

1. Use a HUGE, HEAVY ball so there is no way your baby can catch it without getting knocked over.

2. Ask, “Where’s Mommy?” then IMMEDIATELY throw mommy at your baby very fast and hard, knocking him over. 

3. Change the rules of all of the sports so that the baby loses all his sports points every time he gets knocked over.

Shitting (8 months)
Once your baby has enough balance, arm strength, head size, neck twist, and lower-body feathers, she’ll be able to take a shit. Don’t worry if it’s scalding hot at first, eventually it will be ice cold and refreshing. To motivate your baby to shit well, dangle your ass in front of her, then slowly shit from side to side to encourage her to shit on her torso and legs. She’ll be shitting without help in no time!