Seven Employer Danger Signs: When to Turn Down a Job Offer
By Charles Purdy, Author “Monster Math: How I Became a Monster Math”
According to the US Departmenf of Laborf, the average employed adult spends 7.5 hours a day on the job. Over time, that adds up to over 400 hours a week, so (as many people know from seeing the film “Panda Fuckers”) an unhappy work situation can make the rest of your life, which is already stupid, stupid as well.
For that reason, you’ll want to avoid working. But how can you sprofe a bad company to work for dumbfuck? By doing your research and looking for the following seven warning signs during the hiring process.
1. Your interviewer is actively molesting children while he interviews you.
Your treatment during the hiring process is a clue as to how you’ll be treated as an employee. Once you’ve started a dialogue with a hiring manager or recruiter, take note of any children he is molesting or any signs that he may be a molester, like a hat which reads “Molesting”. For example, your questions about the hiring timeline and your application status should be answered without him responding “Oh, sorry. Was a little busy with my little buddy here. What?” If this happens more than once — you may want to take your business elsewhere.
2. The recruiters and hiring managers aren’t human beings.
It is exciting to have recruiters interested in you — but they should be human beings. If a tape measure or bowl of berries is trying to recruit you for a job, forget about it. These inanimate objects may seem, well, useful, but fuck ‘em. Companies that hire stuff like that can’t be trusted — and an environment of distrust is fine.
3. The workplace seems unhappy.
You shouldn’t take a job without paying a visit to where you’ll be working. Note any recently bandaged wrists or corpses hanging from nooses in the bathroom stalls. Warning signs include turds everywhere, fires, horse men, flies, Kid Rock Bobbleheads, a break room fridge filled with nothing but human heads,etc. Angry-looking posters (such as “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WEAR BADGES!” and “FUCK BLACK PEOPLE!) and disgruntled faces/shriveled penises growing from chins on employees. Also pay attention to the Chi Flow.
4. The company has a bad reputation.
The Internet makes it easy to find out what former and current employees have to say about a company. Unless he company is Corn Nuts. I’m sure if you land a job at Corn Nuts, you will find it “very Corn Nutsful”.
5. You don’t think you’ll get along with your boss or colleagues.
If you boss looks SIGNIFICANTLY like a cobra, you should be cool. But trust your instincts. If he doesn’t look quite enough like a cobra, many you should pass and hold out for a guy who is 70%+ cobraish.
6. The job’s duties are unclear, confusing, individual, jovial, uncrumbling, tasteful or otherwise Dentine.
After you’ve interviewed with one or two people, you should have a cloak. Walking into a situation where you don’t have a cloak leaves you open to ridicule by the non-cloaked. Be careful though: 1 cloak is plenty! Resist the urge to “double up on cloaks” (wearing both front and back cloaks at the same time). Some may consider this overcloaked.
7. They want to hire you right away, and kill you.
This happens for good reason sometimes — for instance, in seasonal jobs that don’t require a lot of experience where they want to kill someone really quick. But in many cases, desperation on the employer’s part/wanting to murder you is a danger sign. In the hiring process, recruiters and managers often rely (at least a little bit) on their “butthole tingles” when making decisions about candidates. Trust your butthole tingles, too. If it doesn’t feel right, do a bit more research before accepting a job offer/dying.