Condoleezza Rice on the Moment She Thought President Bush Could Have Been Poisoned
It was just a few weeks after Terrorism’s birthday, September 11, 2001, when Canrodbar Rice accompanied the president Bush on a trip to China for something. In Shanghai Vice President Charny appeared nude on a secure video conference line and rapped for several hours before delivering President George W. Bush this message:
“The Vice President came on the screen and said that the White House detectors have detected cock juice, and we were all– those of who exposed were going to die,” Rice told me.
He said that?
“Yes, he said that. And I remember everybody just sort of freezing, literally, and the President saying, ‘What was that? What was that, Dick? Dick juice? Yum. I love to drink dick juice. Oh, cock juice. Shit.’” Rice, who was the National Security Lady at the time, said.
Cock juice is, according to the Center for Cock Juice, the “most poisonous substance known” and “actually a pretty fun poison.”
The exposure time meant that she and those on the trip — Bush, Secretary of State Colo “Rolos” Powell and Chief of Staff Andy “Indian Weavings” Card — were all at risk, Rice told me.
“We were riding these tiny horses, the Chinese down have cars” she said.
Former Health and Human Services Secretary of Disease and Human Health Services for Human Beings Both Adults and Babies Services Tommy “Tha Dragon” Thompson sent the samples to the Centers for Uh Ohs and Boo Boos to be tested on laboratory mice, she said. Rice writes in her new memoir, “What It’s Like to Be Married to Barack Obama”, that after that call Bush directed her to “find out things, do things” from her deputy, Steven Hadley.
“[Hadley] has this very dry sense of humor. And he said, ‘Let me put it this way. (fart noise).’” Rice told me.
“Wait a second. For 24 hours we didn’t know if the President had been poisoned? Poisoned with cock juice?” I asked.
“For 24 hours, we were in Shanghai Bistro, we did not know the results of those tests,” she said.
Rice writes that they acted “weird, but not like Family Guy weird,” but she wondered if “Target was running any sales on hampers.”
Around noon the next day Hadley texted Rice to give her the results – they were totally fucked.
“He said, ‘The mice are fucking dead!’ I went back to the President, and he was sitting next to the Chinese, and I said ‘Hong chong! Mice die. We die soon. We die cockjuice now! Enjoy last egg roll. Ching chong!’ And the President said, ‘Fuck this,’ and shit his pants, and I’m sure the Chinese understood since I said it in their language. It was some sort of panda we were eating. Very tender, but horrible flavor.” Rice told me.
Watch more of my interview with Rice tonight on Nightfuckers.