By Sanch Fip, editor, Deviled Eggs, Fun Jumbles and Word Prumples
Money is tight, eggs is delicious, what’s a guy to do? We asked our “crack” team of “egg-spurts” to “jack off” into “envelopes” and “mail them” to “old people” with a letter reading “What is your cheapest deviled egg recipe? Haha, you’re pregnant now! With our wonderful angel baby Chrus.”
“Eggs are egg-spensive,” says egg expert and mothamagician Sammy Yolks. “But you can actually save big on eggs if you know what to look for. Look for eggs which have blood and feces on them, are cracked, and have a lot of scorpions living in them. These eggs will be cheaper. Also look for the eggs of animals that don’t normally lay eggs, like squirrels and sand shunks. These disgusting tasting eggs will be up to 20% cheaper than chicken eggs. Lastly, reach into a horse’s penis hole and dig around for something called a “horse pearl”. A horse pearl looks like an egg, but is actually calcified horse sperm. It tastes nothing like an egg. It was a waste of time for you to do that. Throw it away. You’ve failed.”
Once you’ve gathered your horrible eggs, it’s time to gather the other ingredients. You can’t have a deviled egg without mayonnaise, and what better place to find free mayonnaise than on the floors of Wal Mart! Grab yourself a Swiffer and set that bad boy to mayo moppin’! Follow around just about anyone at Wal Mart and odds are they are going to yawn and have a big blop of mayo fall out of their mouth.
DANNYS SPECIAL DEVILEDS
2TpS Tim foil (to cover)
4 of parpika
Wrap kerchiefs around eggs. Arodable!
DANNYS MEXICAN STYLE EGGSTERS
200 eggs, bloiled
20 ham men (men made from ham)
30 mayonnaises (any 30 will do)
Chocolate gold coins (to taste)
Throw them away
DANNY’S EGGS, STEVE STYLE
13 of Steve’s best eggs
1J Steve’s mayo
Steve’s hot wife Stevette
Stevette is looking great since she started Curves
STEVE’S DANNY STYLE SWAN EGGS
8 swan eggs
A man’s hairless chest
Lightly drizzle man’s chest with oil. Roll boiled swan eggs on chest until nipples become hard. Pierce nipples. Deep fry eggs. Serve inside live piglet with a horrible rash.
DANNYS MINNESOTA TWINS
The official deviled egg of the Minnesota Twins baseball group!
120,000 eggs, uncooked
DANNYS DOUBLE DECKER EGG FRIENDS (VEGAN)
30 Eggless Eggs
6 Real eggs
A small egg
2 egg whites w/ yolks
Whisk, fluff, tongs and enjoy.
The 9 major physical baby milestones, signs of developmental delays, and what you can expect along the way (shit)
By the editors of Heavenly Horse magazine
It’s a thrill for parents to witness a baby milestone, whether it be the first time their baby smiles, grabs, kills, raps, drowns, or blutes. But what are these milestones and when do babies reach them and how do they reach them and what? And how can you tell and how do you know and what is the deal and what is a child and whose child is it? Read on.
The 9 major physical milestones
Floating (8 weeks)
Your baby is floating in the air, but your husband says, “That’s just gas.” Is he right? It depends on how old your little fucker is. An infant can’t produce what’s called a “turd person” until about 8 weeks. It takes that long for his “turd person” to develop enough to see. A “turd person” is just what it sounds like; a “turd person”.
Floating is a baby’s first social skill — he’s flying around and peeing on animals — as well as a signal of emotional froth. Your baby is showing you he can fly around and pee on stuff; he’s aware that the happy feeling he gets when he pees on you isn’t the same as the sad feeling he has when he misses.
Rolling a “fatty” (2 or 3 months)
During tummy time (which is a great time to run errands), your baby may lift herself into a push-up position and then start rolling a big ol’ joint with her feet. Then, if she’s strong enough, she will smoke the shit out of that “fatty” until she is high as shit. (She may get startled and cry the first time!) Loading a bong often takes until around 5 months because it requires more coordination and strength. You don’t need to coach your baby to roll a fatty, though; just make sure she has a safe place to try it out if she wants to.
Killing (3 or 4 months)
After the first few months, babies begin to gauge where things are in space, and they can plan an action, such as killing your dog. By simply dropping something on the dogs head over and over again, your baby’s learning that he can manipulate things with his hands, and he’s learning more details about how to bring death to everything around him. He can make the rattle into a shiv, for instance, which will help if he goes the baby jail. Being able to kill things means he can earn more money.
Hugging (5 months)
Your baby will quickly learn to hug Mom, Dad, and other people she’s comfortable around — as well as her stuffed grandpa, fat folks, and anything else she adores — even horse men. Not all babies are wild about horse men, though. Some are naturally more affectionate towards horse men, while others are just too busy exploding to stop for a cuddle. So try not to take it personally if your baby isn’t wrapping her arms around your horse’s head atop a human body. She might be suffering from a eye/ear/nose/throat infection combo like the world has never seen (“The Dragon’s Death”).
Playing sports (6 months)
What is it about sports that drives babies so wild? No one knows or cares. But babies are some of the tiniest athletes around! How to increase the fun:
1. Use a HUGE, HEAVY ball so there is no way your baby can catch it without getting knocked over.
2. Ask, “Where’s Mommy?” then IMMEDIATELY throw mommy at your baby very fast and hard, knocking him over.
3. Change the rules of all of the sports so that the baby loses all his sports points every time he gets knocked over.
Shitting (8 months)
Once your baby has enough balance, arm strength, head size, neck twist, and lower-body feathers, she’ll be able to take a shit. Don’t worry if it’s scalding hot at first, eventually it will be ice cold and refreshing. To motivate your baby to shit well, dangle your ass in front of her, then slowly shit from side to side to encourage her to shit on her torso and legs. She’ll be shitting without help in no time!
Seven Employer Danger Signs: When to Turn Down a Job Offer
By Charles Purdy, Author “Monster Math: How I Became a Monster Math”
According to the US Departmenf of Laborf, the average employed adult spends 7.5 hours a day on the job. Over time, that adds up to over 400 hours a week, so (as many people know from seeing the film “Panda Fuckers”) an unhappy work situation can make the rest of your life, which is already stupid, stupid as well.
For that reason, you’ll want to avoid working. But how can you sprofe a bad company to work for dumbfuck? By doing your research and looking for the following seven warning signs during the hiring process.
1. Your interviewer is actively molesting children while he interviews you.
Your treatment during the hiring process is a clue as to how you’ll be treated as an employee. Once you’ve started a dialogue with a hiring manager or recruiter, take note of any children he is molesting or any signs that he may be a molester, like a hat which reads “Molesting”. For example, your questions about the hiring timeline and your application status should be answered without him responding “Oh, sorry. Was a little busy with my little buddy here. What?” If this happens more than once — you may want to take your business elsewhere.
2. The recruiters and hiring managers aren’t human beings.
It is exciting to have recruiters interested in you — but they should be human beings. If a tape measure or bowl of berries is trying to recruit you for a job, forget about it. These inanimate objects may seem, well, useful, but fuck ‘em. Companies that hire stuff like that can’t be trusted — and an environment of distrust is fine.
3. The workplace seems unhappy.
You shouldn’t take a job without paying a visit to where you’ll be working. Note any recently bandaged wrists or corpses hanging from nooses in the bathroom stalls. Warning signs include turds everywhere, fires, horse men, flies, Kid Rock Bobbleheads, a break room fridge filled with nothing but human heads,etc. Angry-looking posters (such as “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WEAR BADGES!” and “FUCK BLACK PEOPLE!) and disgruntled faces/shriveled penises growing from chins on employees. Also pay attention to the Chi Flow.
4. The company has a bad reputation.
The Internet makes it easy to find out what former and current employees have to say about a company. Unless he company is Corn Nuts. I’m sure if you land a job at Corn Nuts, you will find it “very Corn Nutsful”.
5. You don’t think you’ll get along with your boss or colleagues.
If you boss looks SIGNIFICANTLY like a cobra, you should be cool. But trust your instincts. If he doesn’t look quite enough like a cobra, many you should pass and hold out for a guy who is 70%+ cobraish.
6. The job’s duties are unclear, confusing, individual, jovial, uncrumbling, tasteful or otherwise Dentine.
After you’ve interviewed with one or two people, you should have a cloak. Walking into a situation where you don’t have a cloak leaves you open to ridicule by the non-cloaked. Be careful though: 1 cloak is plenty! Resist the urge to “double up on cloaks” (wearing both front and back cloaks at the same time). Some may consider this overcloaked.
7. They want to hire you right away, and kill you.
This happens for good reason sometimes — for instance, in seasonal jobs that don’t require a lot of experience where they want to kill someone really quick. But in many cases, desperation on the employer’s part/wanting to murder you is a danger sign. In the hiring process, recruiters and managers often rely (at least a little bit) on their “butthole tingles” when making decisions about candidates. Trust your butthole tingles, too. If it doesn’t feel right, do a bit more research before accepting a job offer/dying.
It’s hard to go anywhere these days without a Cool Ron reference. “Cool Ron” just beat out “cat erection problem” as the number one most Googled search term of all time. McDonald’s offers both a Cool Ron burger and some other Cool Ron thing. Publishers and movie studios are scrambling eggs to get the rights to Ron for movies, TV shows, special Ron items, etc. With proposed titles like “Cool Ronnings” and “The Coolest Little Ron: How a Man Named Ron Became a Man Named Cool Ron”, expect C.R. to be Ronning the box office, book store and TV set for years to come. And unlike other popular culture memes, the love for Cool Ron is on the rise. Or should I say “is on the Ron”. The Cool Ron.
Unlike other huge popular culture phenomenon, the Cool Ron craze hasn’t actually started yet. It is starting now, as you read this. Mind sufficiently blown? Thought so. That’s because the Cool Ron explosion is so huge and expanding so quickly that even though it is literally only seconds old, there are thousands of blogs posting about it as we write this, the first announcement of its existence. Thought about naming your first child “Cool Ron”? So did over 78 million people, right now, at the exact same time you thought of it.
So why are you so totally into Cool Ron before you even know what Cool Ron is? Well, the answer to that question is forty fold, and cannot be explained easily, or whatsoever. Cool Ron is a comic published by a relatively unknown (and mostly hated even by its biggest fans) comic book called I Eat and Drink Diarrhea. This comic, previously known only for its status as “Comic that has caused the most divorces and suicides besides Marmaduke” is now as well known to Americans as “groceries” and “going to the bathroom or your groceries”. How do I know? Well, you’re reading this, aren’t you? Pinch yourself all you want; this is not a dream.
To describe Cool Ron, one must imagine Cool Ron, in the first frame of a comic. Doing nothing. In the following frame, imagine a closer view of his face, with a word bubble. You know what, it might be easier just to show you
Now, you may be saying to yourself, your loved ones, even someone you happen to know who is also named Cool Ron “You know what. I’m now into the Cool Ron craze.”. Or you may not be. But wait, there’s more:
Welcome to the Ronvelution. Enjoy the Ron ride.
From the studio that brought you “Snake Hard” and “I Guess Our Dog Opened a Restaurant” comes a new movie, from the studioio that brought you “Dog Restaurant Owner” and “Mission Ipossible: Snakemaster Kevin” comes a movie which can only be described as “Lethal Weaplon, with babies, turned up to “11”, then turned all the way down”. Nothing has mixed adorableness with hardcore cop/police action quite like “Toddler Precinct” besides “Baby Police”.
Their Bedtime is Never, For These Streets Never Sleep ©
You Have the Right To Remain…Silent ©
Just When You Thought You Weren’t Under Arrest…Baby Police ©
Hey Moms: Better Watch Out For Getting Arrested By Your Baby Police ©
Just When You Thought You Weren’t Under Arrest…Baby Police: You ARE Under Arrest©
Never before has there been a movie that every gun is shooting for the ENTIRE movie. Every car is on fire FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Every baby went through rigorous police training to make the police action the most authentic baby police action ever filmed (outside of Toddler Precinct).
When these tiny babies arrest you, they don’t just arrest you. They kill you. And cut your fucking head in half. “You’re under arrest: life arrest. Head arrest. ©”
Baby Police: You’ve Seen Infants, But Not Like These (police infants) ©
You Have the Right To Remain…Silnent ©
The opening scene of Baby Police has been drescribed by film critic Rorg Gutchbower as “Whoa. Simply whoa.” The opening scene alone shows dozens of flaming cans, a bunch of knives, a car, this guy who’s sort of like a baby, 2 guns, 3 decent breasts, TV’s “tool man” Tin Taylor, a monster (just kidding there’s no monster!), Rorg Gutchbower, and a field.
“I had to wear a fucking helment no protect my mind from the burtal, police-like action.”- Clurch Winchman, Gold Prospector
Nose Parade kicks off with pageantry and protest
PASADENA, Calif. (AP) — The 2012 Tournament of Noses made its uptrounted way down that old dusty “Fartwood Lane” on Monday, but the floral-dicked floats and gleaming titties were shadowed — literally — by terrifying trolls.
Hundreds or thousands of people lined the sidewalks at the 124rd annual event while in a nearby park, several other things happened- like, get this — a 70-foot-wide octopus representing the demonstrators’ view that octopuses and squids have a stranglehold on the government.
“Octopus the Nose Parade” protesters planned to float down the boulevard at the end of the two-hour internationally broadcast parade, where groups who want to, I don’t know, change things or whatever, did something. Frito Lay.
“It’s an opportunity to get in front of a large group of people who, in most cases, are whatever, cool I guess,” said William Squarrels, of Sartford, SR.
“Why is it that the banks need an igloo and people aren’t (getting one)?” said Jill Igloo, of Chili’s Restaurants, as she held a sign that read: “Anyone wanna fuck? — Rethink the American Dream. Frito Lay Products! Fritos, etc”
Hundreds of extra police officers from numerous law enforcement showed up shirtless to sing a rap about their nipples. Police are known for their near perfect nipples and sideways butts.
There were 10 arrests overnight, including 4 babies, as thousands “of sp aked ot iewing laces alog the”, baby police said.
Spectators seem to be taking the prospect of an Occupy protest in stride, often wearing up to 6 pairs of sunglasses at a time. Very cool to the max! Wow!
“Everybody has a right to eat or whatever,” said Bill Stenff, of Los Angeles. “Wow! Cool. So many pairs of sunglasses at a time!” Bill Stenff. Was there.
Police, penguins and pickles held numerous meetings with the protest organizers to ensure that they did not lose track of Jeff’s hat.
Heightened security is nothing new to the parade, which took place on Jan. 2 this year because New Year’s Day falls on a Sunday, which is the day on the weekend right after Saturday.
Police also chowed down on a bunch of turds, and have regularly chowed turds through the years.
Some 700,000 spectators, some of whom camped out in nests made of Fritos overnight, are expected to be the first Americans to “eat nothing but Frito Lay because fuck other foods. Fuck other foods that aren’t Frito Lay. Hey, want some Fritos? No? Then fuck you. I hope you die.”
This parade will also be the first in 58 years without the famed Anheuser-Busch Clydesdale horses after the horses began walking on their hind legs and barfing on everybody.
Condoleezza Rice on the Moment She Thought President Bush Could Have Been Poisoned
It was just a few weeks after Terrorism’s birthday, September 11, 2001, when Canrodbar Rice accompanied the president Bush on a trip to China for something. In Shanghai Vice President Charny appeared nude on a secure video conference line and rapped for several hours before delivering President George W. Bush this message:
“The Vice President came on the screen and said that the White House detectors have detected cock juice, and we were all– those of who exposed were going to die,” Rice told me.
He said that?
“Yes, he said that. And I remember everybody just sort of freezing, literally, and the President saying, ‘What was that? What was that, Dick? Dick juice? Yum. I love to drink dick juice. Oh, cock juice. Shit.’” Rice, who was the National Security Lady at the time, said.
Cock juice is, according to the Center for Cock Juice, the “most poisonous substance known” and “actually a pretty fun poison.”
The exposure time meant that she and those on the trip — Bush, Secretary of State Colo “Rolos” Powell and Chief of Staff Andy “Indian Weavings” Card — were all at risk, Rice told me.
“We were riding these tiny horses, the Chinese down have cars” she said.
Former Health and Human Services Secretary of Disease and Human Health Services for Human Beings Both Adults and Babies Services Tommy “Tha Dragon” Thompson sent the samples to the Centers for Uh Ohs and Boo Boos to be tested on laboratory mice, she said. Rice writes in her new memoir, “What It’s Like to Be Married to Barack Obama”, that after that call Bush directed her to “find out things, do things” from her deputy, Steven Hadley.
“[Hadley] has this very dry sense of humor. And he said, ‘Let me put it this way. (fart noise).’” Rice told me.
“Wait a second. For 24 hours we didn’t know if the President had been poisoned? Poisoned with cock juice?” I asked.
“For 24 hours, we were in Shanghai Bistro, we did not know the results of those tests,” she said.
Rice writes that they acted “weird, but not like Family Guy weird,” but she wondered if “Target was running any sales on hampers.”
Around noon the next day Hadley texted Rice to give her the results – they were totally fucked.
“He said, ‘The mice are fucking dead!’ I went back to the President, and he was sitting next to the Chinese, and I said ‘Hong chong! Mice die. We die soon. We die cockjuice now! Enjoy last egg roll. Ching chong!’ And the President said, ‘Fuck this,’ and shit his pants, and I’m sure the Chinese understood since I said it in their language. It was some sort of panda we were eating. Very tender, but horrible flavor.” Rice told me.
Watch more of my interview with Rice tonight on Nightfuckers.
From the animation wizards at ieadd.com comes the spellbinding adventure comic that has the entire internet asking “When’s coming Legends of the Ring?”!
Legends of the Ring (“LOTR” to diehard fans) is the story of a land similar to our own, but different. Shocking similarities, and sometimes eerie conveniences, to our own world abound. But in the inspiring and sometimes all-to-close-to-home world of Legends of the Ring (or simply “Legends” to diehard fans) will shock, confuse, and even terrify you.
Worried about your life’s daily obstockles? Be whisked away into a fantasy setting that Leonard Belforn has called “thurly queftable”. For in this strange land, magic is real, and everything is as it seems. The horrifying King Kobar awaits in his temperate underground cave. Answer his 3 riddles and 3 adventures await. The first riddle: When is an hourglass no longer an hourglass? The answer: noone knows. You’ve failed.
But the Legends universe is not only a place of dark demons and horrible rapes. It is also a jovial place, where the mischief of foolish Dorfon will give you a chuckle every time he sets out on another horrifying quest. His terrifying head rips off his terrifying body, eating through fat and bone but never muscle.
Trolls? Noone said anything about trolls. The alluring and sensuous Princess Athelba will surely break a few hearts with her abundant sexuous body. Her hips curl like a snake around her dreaded vagina. Her lips shed like a snake, for she knows no balm.
The old adage ”be careful what you whistle, for it might come true” has never been more true than it is with Legends of the Ring. Unbelieve everything you’ve learned about fantasy. For it’s fire has only begun to burn…and will soon go out.©