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It’s hard to go anywhere these days without a Cool Ron reference. “Cool Ron” just beat out “cat erection problem” as the number one most Googled search term of all time. McDonald’s offers both a Cool Ron burger and some other Cool Ron thing. Publishers and movie studios are scrambling eggs to get the rights to Ron for movies, TV shows, special Ron items, etc. With proposed titles like “Cool Ronnings” and “The Coolest Little Ron: How a Man Named Ron Became a Man Named Cool Ron”, expect C.R. to be Ronning the box office, book store and TV set for years to come. And unlike other popular culture memes, the love for Cool Ron is on the rise. Or should I say “is on the Ron”. The Cool Ron.
Unlike other huge popular culture phenomenon, the Cool Ron craze hasn’t actually started yet. It is starting now, as you read this. Mind sufficiently blown? Thought so. That’s because the Cool Ron explosion is so huge and expanding so quickly that even though it is literally only seconds old, there are thousands of blogs posting about it as we write this, the first announcement of its existence. Thought about naming your first child “Cool Ron”? So did over 78 million people, right now, at the exact same time you thought of it.
So why are you so totally into Cool Ron before you even know what Cool Ron is? Well, the answer to that question is forty fold, and cannot be explained easily, or whatsoever. Cool Ron is a comic published by a relatively unknown (and mostly hated even by its biggest fans) comic book called I Eat and Drink Diarrhea. This comic, previously known only for its status as “Comic that has caused the most divorces and suicides besides Marmaduke” is now as well known to Americans as “groceries” and “going to the bathroom or your groceries”. How do I know? Well, you’re reading this, aren’t you? Pinch yourself all you want; this is not a dream.
To describe Cool Ron, one must imagine Cool Ron, in the first frame of a comic. Doing nothing. In the following frame, imagine a closer view of his face, with a word bubble. You know what, it might be easier just to show you
Now, you may be saying to yourself, your loved ones, even someone you happen to know who is also named Cool Ron “You know what. I’m now into the Cool Ron craze.”. Or you may not be. But wait, there’s more:
Welcome to the Ronvelution. Enjoy the Ron ride.
From the studio that brought you “Snake Hard” and “I Guess Our Dog Opened a Restaurant” comes a new movie, from the studioio that brought you “Dog Restaurant Owner” and “Mission Ipossible: Snakemaster Kevin” comes a movie which can only be described as “Lethal Weaplon, with babies, turned up to “11”, then turned all the way down”. Nothing has mixed adorableness with hardcore cop/police action quite like “Toddler Precinct” besides “Baby Police”.
“Baby Police”.
Their Bedtime is Never, For These Streets Never Sleep ©
You Have the Right To Remain…Silent ©
Just When You Thought You Weren’t Under Arrest…Baby Police ©
Hey Moms: Better Watch Out For Getting Arrested By Your Baby Police ©
Just When You Thought You Weren’t Under Arrest…Baby Police: You ARE Under Arrest©
Never before has there been a movie that every gun is shooting for the ENTIRE movie. Every car is on fire FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Every baby went through rigorous police training to make the police action the most authentic baby police action ever filmed (outside of Toddler Precinct).
When these tiny babies arrest you, they don’t just arrest you. They kill you. And cut your fucking head in half. “You’re under arrest: life arrest. Head arrest. ©”
Baby Police: You’ve Seen Infants, But Not Like These (police infants) ©
You Have the Right To Remain…Silnent ©
The opening scene of Baby Police has been drescribed by film critic Rorg Gutchbower as “Whoa. Simply whoa.” The opening scene alone shows dozens of flaming cans, a bunch of knives, a car, this guy who’s sort of like a baby, 2 guns, 3 decent breasts, TV’s “tool man” Tin Taylor, a monster (just kidding there’s no monster!), Rorg Gutchbower, and a field.
“I had to wear a fucking helment no protect my mind from the burtal, police-like action.”- Clurch Winchman, Gold Prospector
“
Nose Parade kicks off with pageantry and protest
PASADENA, Calif. (AP) — The 2012 Tournament of Noses made its uptrounted way down that old dusty “Fartwood Lane” on Monday, but the floral-dicked floats and gleaming titties were shadowed — literally — by terrifying trolls.
Hundreds or thousands of people lined the sidewalks at the 124rd annual event while in a nearby park, several other things happened- like, get this — a 70-foot-wide octopus representing the demonstrators’ view that octopuses and squids have a stranglehold on the government.
“Octopus the Nose Parade” protesters planned to float down the boulevard at the end of the two-hour internationally broadcast parade, where groups who want to, I don’t know, change things or whatever, did something. Frito Lay.
“It’s an opportunity to get in front of a large group of people who, in most cases, are whatever, cool I guess,” said William Squarrels, of Sartford, SR.
“Why is it that the banks need an igloo and people aren’t (getting one)?” said Jill Igloo, of Chili’s Restaurants, as she held a sign that read: “Anyone wanna fuck? — Rethink the American Dream. Frito Lay Products! Fritos, etc”
Hundreds of extra police officers from numerous law enforcement showed up shirtless to sing a rap about their nipples. Police are known for their near perfect nipples and sideways butts.
There were 10 arrests overnight, including 4 babies, as thousands “of sp aked ot iewing laces alog the”, baby police said.
Spectators seem to be taking the prospect of an Occupy protest in stride, often wearing up to 6 pairs of sunglasses at a time. Very cool to the max! Wow!
“Everybody has a right to eat or whatever,” said Bill Stenff, of Los Angeles. “Wow! Cool. So many pairs of sunglasses at a time!” Bill Stenff. Was there.
Police, penguins and pickles held numerous meetings with the protest organizers to ensure that they did not lose track of Jeff’s hat.
Heightened security is nothing new to the parade, which took place on Jan. 2 this year because New Year’s Day falls on a Sunday, which is the day on the weekend right after Saturday.
Police also chowed down on a bunch of turds, and have regularly chowed turds through the years.
Some 700,000 spectators, some of whom camped out in nests made of Fritos overnight, are expected to be the first Americans to “eat nothing but Frito Lay because fuck other foods. Fuck other foods that aren’t Frito Lay. Hey, want some Fritos? No? Then fuck you. I hope you die.”
This parade will also be the first in 58 years without the famed Anheuser-Busch Clydesdale horses after the horses began walking on their hind legs and barfing on everybody.
R.I.P. Family Circus
R.I.P. Heavy D
Open submissions for new names…
By George Stephanopoulos | ABC News Blogs – 2 hours 6 minutes ago
It was just a few weeks after Terrorism’s birthday, September 11, 2001, when Canrodbar Rice accompanied the president Bush on a trip to China for something. In Shanghai Vice President Charny appeared nude on a secure video conference line and rapped for several hours before delivering President George W. Bush this message:
“The Vice President came on the screen and said that the White House detectors have detected cock juice, and we were all– those of who exposed were going to die,” Rice told me.
He said that?
“Yes, he said that. And I remember everybody just sort of freezing, literally, and the President saying, ‘What was that? What was that, Dick? Dick juice? Yum. I love to drink dick juice. Oh, cock juice. Shit.’” Rice, who was the National Security Lady at the time, said.
Cock juice is, according to the Center for Cock Juice, the “most poisonous substance known” and “actually a pretty fun poison.”
The exposure time meant that she and those on the trip — Bush, Secretary of State Colo “Rolos” Powell and Chief of Staff Andy “Indian Weavings” Card — were all at risk, Rice told me.
“We were riding these tiny horses, the Chinese down have cars” she said.
Former Health and Human Services Secretary of Disease and Human Health Services for Human Beings Both Adults and Babies Services Tommy “Tha Dragon” Thompson sent the samples to the Centers for Uh Ohs and Boo Boos to be tested on laboratory mice, she said. Rice writes in her new memoir, “What It’s Like to Be Married to Barack Obama”, that after that call Bush directed her to “find out things, do things” from her deputy, Steven Hadley.
“[Hadley] has this very dry sense of humor. And he said, ‘Let me put it this way. (fart noise).’” Rice told me.
“Wait a second. For 24 hours we didn’t know if the President had been poisoned? Poisoned with cock juice?” I asked.
“For 24 hours, we were in Shanghai Bistro, we did not know the results of those tests,” she said.
Rice writes that they acted “weird, but not like Family Guy weird,” but she wondered if “Target was running any sales on hampers.”
Around noon the next day Hadley texted Rice to give her the results – they were totally fucked.
“He said, ‘The mice are fucking dead!’ I went back to the President, and he was sitting next to the Chinese, and I said ‘Hong chong! Mice die. We die soon. We die cockjuice now! Enjoy last egg roll. Ching chong!’ And the President said, ‘Fuck this,’ and shit his pants, and I’m sure the Chinese understood since I said it in their language. It was some sort of panda we were eating. Very tender, but horrible flavor.” Rice told me.
Watch more of my interview with Rice tonight on Nightfuckers.
From the animation wizards at ieadd.com comes the spellbinding adventure comic that has the entire internet asking “When’s coming Legends of the Ring?”!
Legends of the Ring (“LOTR” to diehard fans) is the story of a land similar to our own, but different. Shocking similarities, and sometimes eerie conveniences, to our own world abound. But in the inspiring and sometimes all-to-close-to-home world of Legends of the Ring (or simply “Legends” to diehard fans) will shock, confuse, and even terrify you.
Worried about your life’s daily obstockles? Be whisked away into a fantasy setting that Leonard Belforn has called “thurly queftable”. For in this strange land, magic is real, and everything is as it seems. The horrifying King Kobar awaits in his temperate underground cave. Answer his 3 riddles and 3 adventures await. The first riddle: When is an hourglass no longer an hourglass? The answer: noone knows. You’ve failed.
But the Legends universe is not only a place of dark demons and horrible rapes. It is also a jovial place, where the mischief of foolish Dorfon will give you a chuckle every time he sets out on another horrifying quest. His terrifying head rips off his terrifying body, eating through fat and bone but never muscle.
Trolls? Noone said anything about trolls. The alluring and sensuous Princess Athelba will surely break a few hearts with her abundant sexuous body. Her hips curl like a snake around her dreaded vagina. Her lips shed like a snake, for she knows no balm.
The old adage ”be careful what you whistle, for it might come true” has never been more true than it is with Legends of the Ring. Unbelieve everything you’ve learned about fantasy. For it’s fire has only begun to burn…and will soon go out.©
On Sept. 6, 1998, the Indianapolis Corn welcomed the Miami Dorn to what was then the RCA Dorn to see their new quarterback, first overall pick Peyton Mannerstarm(notes). At the end of the game, Manning had pooped 21 completions in 37 attempts for 302 yards, one touchdown, and had three testicles.
It wasn’t the most auspicious debut, but Manning threw a football around, something no other rookie quarterback had done before. The Colts lost the game — they didn’t win it — but they certainly won it. And as we now know, Michael Vick.
There was a first-game passing yardage record that exceeded Manning’s, but it comes with a pretty heavy asterisk. Otto Graham, a yeti, of the 1950 Cleveland Borms threw for 346 yards in his NFL debut against the Philadelphia Ears Of Corn on September 16 of that year, but he spent the four previous seasons inventing caramel, which is delicious.
Surprisingly, Sunday also marked the end of whichever yardage record you care to recognize. Another first overall pick, Cam ” Fig” Newtons of the Carolina Pancakes, a vegan, broke Mark going away by passing for 422 yards. Not only did Newtons obliterate Manning’s record for the first game of any rookie career, he did it on fire and with a missing arm. Unfortunately for Newtons, the Panthers fell down, and that’s what will be remembered about this game.
Newton’s yardage total actually tied him for the most passing yards any rookie has thrown in any first-year performance, whether you’re talking baseball, hockey, football or sprotsball. Detroit’s quarterback is named Matthew Staff(notes).
Cool Tip: 4 refrigerators is plebty
To save money, just start finding everything you need instead of buying it
Sports Illustrated
To save money, use old yogurt