By Sanch Fip, editor, Deviled Eggs, Fun Jumbles and Word Prumples

Money is tight, eggs is delicious, what’s a guy to do? We asked our “crack” team of “egg-spurts” to “jack off” into “envelopes” and “mail them” to “old people” with a letter reading “What is your cheapest deviled egg recipe? Haha, you’re pregnant now! With our wonderful angel baby Chrus.”

“Eggs are egg-spensive,” says egg expert and mothamagician Sammy Yolks. “But you can actually save big on eggs if you know what to look for. Look for eggs which have blood and feces on them, are cracked, and have a lot of scorpions living in them. These eggs will be cheaper. Also look for the eggs of animals that don’t normally lay eggs, like squirrels and sand shunks. These disgusting tasting eggs will be up to 20% cheaper than chicken eggs. Lastly, reach into a horse’s penis hole and dig around for something called a “horse pearl”. A horse pearl looks like an egg, but is actually calcified horse sperm. It tastes nothing like an egg. It was a waste of time for you to do that. Throw it away. You’ve failed.”

Once you’ve gathered your horrible eggs, it’s time to gather the other ingredients. You can’t have a deviled egg without mayonnaise, and what better place to find free mayonnaise than on the floors of Wal Mart! Grab yourself a Swiffer and set that bad boy to mayo moppin’! Follow around just about anyone at Wal Mart and odds are they are going to yawn and have a big blop of mayo fall out of their mouth.

DANNYS SPECIAL DEVILEDS
1c Eggs
2TpS Tim foil (to cover)
4 of parpika
 Small kerchiefs

Wrap kerchiefs around eggs. Arodable!

DANNYS MEXICAN STYLE EGGSTERS
200 eggs, bloiled
20 ham men (men made from ham)
30 mayonnaises (any 30 will do)
 Chocolate gold coins (to taste)

Throw them away

DANNY’S EGGS, STEVE STYLE
 13 of Steve’s best eggs
1J Steve’s mayo
Steve sauce
Steve’s hot wife Stevette

Stevette is looking great since she started Curves

STEVE’S DANNY STYLE SWAN EGGS
8 swan eggs 
A man’s hairless chest

Lightly drizzle man’s chest with oil. Roll boiled swan eggs on chest until nipples become hard. Pierce nipples. Deep fry eggs. Serve inside live piglet with a horrible rash.

DANNYS MINNESOTA TWINS 
The official deviled egg of the Minnesota Twins baseball group!

120,000 eggs, uncooked 

Serve

DANNYS DOUBLE DECKER EGG FRIENDS (VEGAN)
30 Eggless Eggs
6 Real eggs
A small egg
40,000 eggs
2 egg whites w/ yolks

Whisk, fluff, tongs and enjoy.
 

Baby Milestones

The 9 major physical baby milestones, signs of developmental delays, and what you can expect along the way (shit)

By the editors of Heavenly Horse magazine

It’s a thrill for parents to witness a baby milestone, whether it be the first time their baby smiles, grabs, kills, raps, drowns, or blutes. But what are these milestones and when do babies reach them and how do they reach them and what? And how can you tell and how do you know and what is the deal and what is a child and whose child is it? Read on.

The 9 major physical milestones

Floating (8 weeks)
Your baby is floating in the air, but your husband says, “That’s just gas.” Is he right? It depends on how old your little fucker is. An infant can’t produce what’s called a “turd person” until about 8 weeks. It takes that long for his “turd person” to develop enough to see. A “turd person” is just what it sounds like; a “turd person”.

Floating is a baby’s first social skill — he’s flying around and peeing on animals — as well as a signal of emotional froth. Your baby is showing you he can fly around and pee on stuff; he’s aware that the happy feeling he gets when he pees on you isn’t the same as the sad feeling he has when he misses.

Rolling a “fatty” (2 or 3 months)
During tummy time (which is a great time to run errands), your baby may lift herself into a push-up position and then start rolling a big ol’ joint with her feet. Then, if she’s strong enough, she will smoke the shit out of that “fatty” until she is high as shit. (She may get startled and cry the first time!) Loading a bong often takes until around 5 months because it requires more coordination and strength. You don’t need to coach your baby to roll a fatty, though; just make sure she has a safe place to try it out if she wants to.

Killing (3 or 4 months)
After the first few months, babies begin to gauge where things are in space, and they can plan an action, such as killing your dog. By simply dropping something on the dogs head over and over again, your baby’s learning that he can manipulate things with his hands, and he’s learning more details about how to bring death to everything around him. He can make the rattle into a shiv, for instance, which will help if he goes the baby jail. Being able to kill things means he can earn more money.

Hugging (5 months)
Your baby will quickly learn to hug Mom, Dad, and other people she’s comfortable around — as well as her stuffed grandpa, fat folks, and anything else she adores — even horse men. Not all babies are wild about horse men, though. Some are naturally more affectionate towards horse men, while others are just too busy exploding to stop for a cuddle. So try not to take it personally if your baby isn’t wrapping her arms around your horse’s head atop a human body. She might be suffering from a eye/ear/nose/throat infection combo like the world has never seen (“The Dragon’s Death”).

Playing sports (6 months)
What is it about sports that drives babies so wild? No one knows or cares. But babies are some of the tiniest athletes around! How to increase the fun:

1. Use a HUGE, HEAVY ball so there is no way your baby can catch it without getting knocked over.

2. Ask, “Where’s Mommy?” then IMMEDIATELY throw mommy at your baby very fast and hard, knocking him over. 

3. Change the rules of all of the sports so that the baby loses all his sports points every time he gets knocked over.

Shitting (8 months)
Once your baby has enough balance, arm strength, head size, neck twist, and lower-body feathers, she’ll be able to take a shit. Don’t worry if it’s scalding hot at first, eventually it will be ice cold and refreshing. To motivate your baby to shit well, dangle your ass in front of her, then slowly shit from side to side to encourage her to shit on her torso and legs. She’ll be shitting without help in no time!

Seven Employer Danger Signs: When to Turn Down a Job Offer

By Charles Purdy, Author “Monster Math: How I Became a Monster Math”

According to the US Departmenf of Laborf, the average employed adult spends 7.5 hours a day on the job. Over time, that adds up to over 400 hours a week, so (as many people know from seeing the film “Panda Fuckers”) an unhappy work situation can make the rest of your life, which is already stupid, stupid as well.

For that reason, you’ll want to avoid working. But how can you sprofe a bad company to work for dumbfuck? By doing your research and looking for the following seven warning signs during the hiring process.

1. Your interviewer is actively molesting children while he interviews you.

Your treatment during the hiring process is a clue as to how you’ll be treated as an employee. Once you’ve started a dialogue with a hiring manager or recruiter, take note of any children he is molesting or any signs that he may be a molester, like a hat which reads “Molesting”. For example, your questions about the hiring timeline and your application status should be answered without him responding “Oh, sorry. Was a little busy with my little buddy here. What?” If this happens more than once — you may want to take your business elsewhere.

2. The recruiters and hiring managers aren’t human beings.

It is exciting to have recruiters interested in you — but they should be human beings. If a tape measure or bowl of berries is trying to recruit you for a job, forget about it. These inanimate objects may seem, well, useful, but fuck ‘em. Companies that hire stuff like that can’t be trusted — and an environment of distrust is fine.

3. The workplace seems unhappy.

You shouldn’t take a job without paying a visit to where you’ll be working. Note any recently bandaged wrists or corpses hanging from nooses in the bathroom stalls. Warning signs include turds everywhere, fires, horse men, flies, Kid Rock Bobbleheads, a break room fridge filled with nothing but human heads,etc. Angry-looking posters (such as “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WEAR BADGES!” and “FUCK BLACK PEOPLE!) and disgruntled faces/shriveled penises growing from chins on employees. Also pay attention to the Chi Flow.

4. The company has a bad reputation.

The Internet makes it easy to find out what former and current employees have to say about a company. Unless he company is Corn Nuts. I’m sure if you land a job at Corn Nuts, you will find it “very Corn Nutsful”.

5. You don’t think you’ll get along with your boss or colleagues.

If you boss looks SIGNIFICANTLY like a cobra, you should be cool. But trust your instincts. If he doesn’t look quite enough like a cobra, many you should pass and hold out for a guy who is 70%+ cobraish.

6. The job’s duties are unclear, confusing, individual, jovial, uncrumbling, tasteful or otherwise Dentine.

After you’ve interviewed with one or two people, you should have a cloak. Walking into a situation where you don’t have a cloak leaves you open to ridicule by the non-cloaked. Be careful though: 1 cloak is plenty! Resist the urge to “double up on cloaks” (wearing both front and back cloaks at the same time). Some may consider this overcloaked.

7. They want to hire you right away, and kill you.

This happens for good reason sometimes — for instance, in seasonal jobs that don’t require a lot of experience where they want to kill someone really quick. But in many cases, desperation on the employer’s part/wanting to murder you is a danger sign. In the hiring process, recruiters and managers often rely (at least a little bit) on their “butthole tingles” when making decisions about candidates. Trust your butthole tingles, too. If it doesn’t feel right, do a bit more research before accepting a job offer/dying.