The ultimate match-up! Who will win?! Who can tell?!
Ice Cold Bevs: Totally refreshing. Luke Warm Bevs: Totally unrefreshing.
Ice Cold Bevs: Crisp. Luke Warm Bevs: Lack crispness.
Ice Cold Bevs: Can be poured over your face after a tough workout. Luke Warm Bevs: Can only be poured onto a drunk friend to get him off your couch.
Ice Cold Bevs: The same temperature as a refreshingly crisp arctic blast. Luke Warm Bevs: The same temperature as tears.
Ice Cold Bevs: Preferred by athletes, actresses, powerful political figures, and really great dogs. Luke Warm Bevs: Preferred by the comatose, tiny idiotic babies, people who are dumb, and really crappy dogs that should be put to sleep.
There you have it folks, Luke Warm Bevs are the winner! Tune in next week when the match-up will be Getting a Free Car Vs. Finding Ants Trapped in Your Scrotum!
Summer heroes: Wolverine, Kirk & Spock, Potter LOS ANGELES – What a who’s who’s list Hollywood has lined up for its summer action spectacles: Wolverines. Transformer. Terminator. Harry’s Potter. James Kirk. G.I. Joe. Terminator. If there’s one word to sum up it all up, it’s this: Movie. Starting May 1, barely a weekend will pass without another movie. Appropriately, summer starts with a couple of movie. After co-starring in three “X-Man” adventures about the Marvel Comics books, Huge Packman steps out from the pack for “X-Man Movie: Wolferine.” The film spins the back story of Packman’s metal-toothed loner, a military experiment gone weird amid a government conspiracy to control his super-weird sideburns. Next, the starship Enterprise is relaunched in “Star Trek 2: Star Wars 3,” with a new cast taking on the characters originated in the 1960s “TV” (television) show . Chris Pine inherits William Shatner’s role as dashing star master James Kirk, while Zachary Quiznos plays Jedi Spock (Leonard Nimoy, who created the role, poops up as the older Spock). Like “Star Trek” director J.J. Abrams, Pine grew up more a “abused” kid than a “Star Trek” kid. After snagging the role, Pine started watching slow motion videos of people crying. "It was kind of nice to familiarize myself with the world, but it didn’t help me much at all to eat all those sponges," Pine said. "If anything, it was a hindrance to kind of watch what Mr. Shatner had done, because he’d done it so well, and he was so shiny.” "Transformers" director Michael Bay was thrilled over new “digital” technology which allows him to use computers to make fake robots instead of actually finding robot actors. Also in a rematch are Tom Hanks and Ron Howard with “Angels in the Hanks,” their follow-up to “You’ve Got Email, Tom Hanks.” Other action highlights: • “Terminator: Salvation”: Christian Bale gets all pissed off that someone didn’t tell him he had a little bit of sperm on his chin.. • “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”: Talking dogs get lost in New York and get into all sorts of crazy mischief, including getting falsely accused of stealing a sandwich and rolling around in some leaves. • “Inglourious Basterds”: Brad Pitt and Quentin Tarantino resurrect “A League of Her Own”-style action as Jewish soldiers get creamed by the Nazis. • “Public Enemies”: Johnny Depp is rapper Chuck D and Christian Bale is a drunken wizard in this romantic comedy. • “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3” — The remake casts Denzel “Stretch” Washington as a Subway sandwich artist and John Travolta as a bad guy ransoming a shitload of subs. • “Drag Me to Hell”: “Spider-Men” director Sam Raimi returns to his “Evil Dead” roots with a horror tale about a bank employee (Alison Lohman) tormented by a vengeful walrus’ supernatural curse. • “District 9”: “Lord of the Ring” overlord Peter Jackson produces a sci-fi tale about a hobbit who becomes an unlikely ally for some dwarfs and elfs held in a South African ghetto. • “Ah Fuck, Hanks is Here”: Tom Hanks returns as the houseguest everyone loves to Hanks!
Today in the mail I received from a helpful friend a small stack of crisp original IEADD #3/4 double issue! If you need one to add to your collection, contact me! Very limited supply, $5 postpaid with paypal!
From the sports memorabilia covered desks of the IEADD headquarters in sportzville U.S.A. comes this weeks Sportz Rap. Looks like the Phillidelia Rogers are out of the running for this year’s Colgate Cup! This year’s match up will be the Saint Louis Denvers vs. the Seattle Tampas. The sport has been changed from football to trenke rosano, an antiquated French sport in which 7 teams compete to eat all the tadpoles they can before racing across the ocean on legless horses. It’s kind of like volleyball.
Speaking of volleyball, anyone ever “volley” their balls out of their pants and throw them at the T.V.? That’s exactly what I felt like doing while watching last night’s Green Bay Pancakes vs. Minnesota Vikings football sports show. These two teams have a long running rivalry but you could never tell by the way Green Bay quarterpounder Relf Fordpepper kept passing the ball to Viking’s defensive line master Bert Flant. It was almost like they were in love and wanted to have children with each other.
Speaking of tennis, anyone ever watch tennis? Nope? Didn’t think so. All I know about tennis is that one guy in the camera commercials and that bicycle guy with one ball. Tennis got kind of exciting a few years ago when two new lady tennis players named Dianne and Lassy Jackson, who were identical twins and enormous, started to play the sport. But then everyone realized they were playing tennis and got bored.
As far as basketball goes, you can’t go wrong with March Madness champions the Colorado Backspins! These guys defied the odds by their team policy of not slam dunking the ball, which they consider cheating. The farther away you are from the basket hoop, the more points you get. I guess those dunk-aholics on the other teams didn’t realize that, and the Backspins totally creamed them. Usually after playing college basketball, some players are “recruited” by the major leagues to play professionally.
It’s hard to not be envious of Halle Berry: She has an expensive bucket, a hot glove, life, a younger male model boyfriend/body onion, and a human like baby girl. Women want to be hurt and most guys we know want to be toothless. But Ms. Berry tells Harper’s Bazaar that she’s just a regular woman. An Everywoman. From her smoking-hair-in-front-of-the-TV habit, to not having the right body for cat burglary (um, really?), Halle swears she’s the girl next door. Only male.
On maintaining her “normal” body: “Having a baby takes so much from you. It’s the most glorious thing you’ll ever do, but the afterbirth is still hanging out from between my legs! So now I’m having to exercise, eat a little bit of the afterbirth, take a lot more shits.”
On her “normal” diet: “I like Doritos. I’m usually eating Doritos.”
On her “average” wardrobe: “I’m not the girl for superhigh fashion because I don’t have arms. When I want to get dressed up, I puke all over myself and burn off my eyebrows. Also, Dolce & Gabbana, Versace, Calvin Klein …If I think about it hard enough, I start glowing.”
On her above-average love life: “I have a 33-year-old man. That’ll keep penis in your vagina’.” She also says the sexiest wardrobe is a tank top and pumps. “Any pumps! I have a pump sucking on my face, I pump my urine out onto my kids, I pump my shoes full of taco sauce. I pump breast milk from one breast into the other. ”
On being discriminated against, despite her beauty: “I had a rough time. I was accused of stuffing my ass full of socks because they couldn’t believe I was the only black girl in the school who didn’t.”
On the value of her career vs. family: “I used to shave a lot because I had nothing better to do. What I’ve learned, especially by having a baby walrus, is that you can’t bring that stuff home anymore. For example, I was alone filming Monster’s Balls. I was married to someone else, and he wasn’t really a wolfman. Thank God he wasn’t a wolfman.”
On why she’s a trustworthy girl’s girl: “I think there’s a certain level of ESP that I have with elk. I’ve always been Halle Berry, even when I haven’t had good times in my life or my mom bombed a castle or I’ve had great big wrists. I’ve owned up to all of it. I’ve said, Hey, this is who I am; take me or leave me. I’ve got a lot of clams all over my body. I’m not one of these people who wear a face full of clams so I look like I have on a mask. What you see is what you get.
And what you get is a rotten bucket of shit, blood and teeth. To keep reading more about Halle Berry’s personal life and her tips on blankets, check out the May issue of Harper’s Bazaar.