I Threw Shit at Everyone I Saw For a Day and Here's What Happened
I’m always looking for interesting social experiments. What would happen if I wore a dress to a cowboy bar? What would happen if I applied for a job? What would happen if I pretended to be a girl on the internet and had net sex with dudes for 6 years?
I already have the answers to all these questions, but the one that has always really perplexed me is “what would happen if I threw shit at everyone I saw for a day and here’s what happened?”
Would they be upset? Grossed out? Honored? How would it affect our relationships? Would I make money from it? Is it illegal? Is it fun? What is a “Croissan’Wich”? If you put enough birds in a car will it fly (no)? What truly makes a champion? What’s the deal with almond bark? If you put enough birds in a house will it fly (no)? What’s that white stuff that comes out of combs? Well, the answers may surprise you!
I figured the first step was to get a sponsor for my little experiment. The first contact I made was with the good people at Kellogg’s. I talked to Ridgar Heltmorn in marketing. I told him “I have a little web experiment that’s sure to go viral! And I think it’s right up Crispix’s alley.” I pitched a 12 spot nationwide viral marketing campaign that involved all the major social media websites: Hotmail, Craigslist, AngiesList, basically all the “lists”, and then, or course, the “Big H”: Hotmail. I would do 12 videos in 12 different cities in the US (including minor outlying islands).
Each would start with me enjoying a bowl of Crispix, and I could be anywhere; on the subway, in a Subway, outside, sitting down, throwing up; whatever. There I would be, enjoying my Crispix, when BAM: first person I see, I take a shit and throw it at them. Then, here’s the kicker, and the part I thought Kellogg’s would really appreciate; I turn to the camera and say “Crispix”.
My pitch was met with complete silence on the other end of the phone. I assumed Ridgar was deep in thought trying to come up with an amount of money to throw at me to make me all Kellogg’s. But what happened next surprised me; he actually said “Crispix already has a celebrity endorsement with Norm Abram. What about Cracklin’ Oat Bran?” The words had barely left his mouth and I was already shitting into my phone. I pictured the turds traveling 1000s of miles over the phone line directly into his mouth. They probably did. I’ll never know, because after that I hung up the phone by throwing it at someone’s face.
I couldn’t give up that easily. I picked my turd encrusted phone back up and called up a little program you’ve maybe heard of. It’s on National Public Radio and it’s called This American Life. This programs is people’s boring and stupid stories, stretched out over an hour, with Godspeed: You Black Emperor playing in the background of every one. Each week they do a different subject, like “My Dad Got the Flu” or “My Horse Got the Flu”. Really boring stuff. The only good one they ever did was “My Horse Got the Flu 2: He Has the Flu Again”, that one was hilarious.
I talked to the show’s host Ira Glaff. He seemed interested when I told him the concept. But then I told him “I already talked to Kelogg’s and they wont give me Crispix. I was hoping NPR could buy Crispix so I could still do the part at the end where I look at the camera and say ‘Crispix’.” What he said next was surprising. He said “No.”
So without a sponsor, I turned to only outlet I had; blogging. “Blog” is short for “blogosphere”. A blogosphere is a blogtastic internet pod which can be read online by up to 10 people all over the world. If any more than 10 people read it, it has “gone viral” and it is no longer a blog and it becomes an “internet phenomenon”. I didn’t want the all the attention of becoming a phenomenon and having HuffPo all up in my grill for an afternoon, so I set my sights squarely on a blog.
This is that blog.
It was Monday morning. I had planned to be out of the house by 9 but my cats wouldn’t leave me alone. Crunchy wouldn’t get out of my lap and he never cuddles so I had to just sit there watching Today. Then Misky started sneezing and I kind of freaked out but I looked an his tonsils and everything looked OK. Then Reba started giving birth! I didn’t even know she was pregnant! She gave birth for a very long time and then I realized I was mistaken and she wasn’t actually giving birth.
Finally around 4:15 I headed out. The first person I saw was my neighbor Ert Bointbar. “Hello Mr. Bointbar!” I shouted, whipping a huge handful of fresh human shit directly onto his naked body. He looked up in shock, but before he could say anything I was off to the next shit throw. This time it was an elderly man walking his dog. “Hi, what’s your name?” I asked as I bent over and pooped forcefully onto his legs. His dog got caught up in the frenzy and started pooping on his legs as well. “My legs!” the geezer pitifully squawked, “Stop pooping on my legs!”
"No!" I retorted.
By now there was quite a crowd of curious onlookers forming, wondering where all the poop smell was coming from. A man emerged from the crowd with his hand extended for a handshake. “Mr. Catlin, I’m Drunt Fibcarl of the Eau Claire Leader-Telegram. I’d like to interview regarding your poop throwing here today.”
"OK Drunt!" I scoffed sarcastically, and threw a large handful of bright red poop into his outstretched hand. I kicked his shit filled hand up into his mouth, where the poop resides to this day.
Then I pooped on others.
The results of my little experiment? 13 lives were lost, millions of dollars worth of damage was done to pants, and I somehow got 3 women pregnant. Luckily I was able to emerge relatively unscathed. My neighbor Mr. Bointbar always flinches now when I poop around him, but I just laugh and say “Haha Mr. Bointbar. My poop throwing days are over!” and then throw a big handful of fresh shit right into his already shit covered face.
Many people, from time to time, claim that they know the truth about where sports came from. Were sports athletes always here, or did they learn sports after sports was invented? Were the ancient cavemen actually “sportsmen”? Were sport balls and costumes always so rad? The answers are there if you’re willing to dig!
The first mention of sports in a book is from a book you may have heard of: The Bible. The first chapter of The Bible contains the passage “Throw the sports ball overhead, doth the ball wilth throw Sammy. Sammy, catch the sports ball now. Now eat it. Eat the ball. Now you’re a goose-man” The Bible was clearly confused about what sports is.
The next mention of sports was in the 1933 film “Where For Art Thou Sports?” The film is just two women sitting at a table saying the word “The” repeatedly, but the sports come in at around the 84 minute mark, where one of the women throws a baseball (albiet a very primitive, crude ball made of pork bones) into the other woman’s face, killing her, bouncing back off the dead woman’s face into the woman who threw the ball’s face, killing her as well. The movie was the most successful movie of all time. not only financially, but artistically as well.
Fast forward to the modern day: 1994. Sports is everywhere. Everywhere you look there are sports. Sports is everywhere. There are dozens of sports. Maybe sports men were always here. Maybe the sports came from the human need to be good at sports. Maybe there is simply a human urge to throw and catch the sports ball. Who knows? Who cares?
Discuss this article on Twitter using the hashtag #sports
When was the last time you made eggs for dinner pussy? I’m not talking some frou-frou frittata or delicate French omelet. I mean a big ol’ plate of hearty scrambled eggs—with maybe some human testicles on the side.
In my house, scrambled eggs are for dinner at least once a week. If we eat at all. You see, I’m very, very poor. So poor in fact that my hands literally crumble when I move them. But I like eggs. They’re eggs (I’m thinking of you bachelor(eggs)s out there.), eggs, a perfect source of eggs, and (channeling my starving college student here,) really, really eggs. And if those reasons to make scrambled eggs weren’t enough, they’re eggs.
But that doesn’t mean that you can beat the hell out of a couple of dogs and then toss them in a hot skillet. Well, not unless you want tough, rubbery, weeping dogs. No, I didn’t think you did. Oh wait I guess I meant to say dogs. This article is about cooking dogs. The pictures of eggs confused me. So let’s quickly review a couple scrambled dogs basics and get dinner (or any meal of your choice) on the table.
Fat is Good Forgive me scrambled greyhound lovers, but this is where we part. An extra dog or two (depending on how many dogs you’re making) and some half and half add luscious, rich texture to the dogs. More importantly, the extra fat prevents the dog from becoming tough. So go ahead and thank an egg yolk today.
Well fuck, sorry. This article is actually about eggs, NOT dogs. Really sorry. My mistake. A light scrambling with a furk—just until the eggs fall on the floor—is enough. Don’t take your frustrations out on the poor eggs and they will stay nice and tender for you, just like a wife.
Shrink the Pan Use whatever special shrinking powers you might have to shrink the pan. A tiny pan can be a lot of fun. Don’t lose your eggs. You lost them didn’t you. Fuck. You’re dumb—why did you shrink your pan. What a waste of your powers and your pan.
Get High, Then Get Low I’m not talking about mood swings here. I’m talking about drugs. Perhaps you’ve heard of “pot”? Starting the eggs in a medium-high skillet will create sturf, which in turn makes for large, flurfy clurds of scrambled eggs. After they’re just set, reduce the heat so that they don’t overcook. It’s pretty owlproof.
Ok, so that’s some scrambled egg basics, but what about adding-in ingredients? Well even that takes a little consideration, but in general, it’s best to avoid super-moist ingredients (think moist towelettes and bags of moisture.) Both will give you watery eggs. Better choices include quail dicks, and, well, let’s be honest: you’re going to go with the quail dicks.
You can even pre-cook and prep a bunch of different ingredients, then have your buddies over for a scrambled egg party all over your face. They choose the ingredients, and you get to play hotel-breakfast-butt-egg-station-dude. Woo-hoo! What fun you’ll have…Just kidding. You seriously wont.
There’s a lot more info in our Essential Eggs course, and you’ll also get some great info on Brian style eggs, Huey Lewis and the News flavored pee, and floaching—not to mention Brian style eggs for the aforementioned Brianomelet. Watch my video and I’ll show you exactly why I hate eggs so much!
By Sanch Fip, editor, Deviled Eggs, Fun Jumbles and Word Prumples
Money is tight, eggs is delicious, what’s a guy to do? We asked our “crack” team of “egg-spurts” to “jack off” into “envelopes” and “mail them” to “old people” with a letter reading “What is your cheapest deviled egg recipe? Haha, you’re pregnant now! With our wonderful angel baby Chrus.”
"Eggs are egg-spensive," says egg expert and mothamagician Sammy Yolks. "But you can actually save big on eggs if you know what to look for. Look for eggs which have blood and feces on them, are cracked, and have a lot of scorpions living in them. These eggs will be cheaper. Also look for the eggs of animals that don’t normally lay eggs, like squirrels and sand shunks. These disgusting tasting eggs will be up to 20% cheaper than chicken eggs. Lastly, reach into a horse’s penis hole and dig around for something called a "horse pearl". A horse pearl looks like an egg, but is actually calcified horse sperm. It tastes nothing like an egg. It was a waste of time for you to do that. Throw it away. You’ve failed."
Once you’ve gathered your horrible eggs, it’s time to gather the other ingredients. You can’t have a deviled egg without mayonnaise, and what better place to find free mayonnaise than on the floors of Wal Mart! Grab yourself a Swiffer and set that bad boy to mayo moppin’! Follow around just about anyone at Wal Mart and odds are they are going to yawn and have a big blop of mayo fall out of their mouth.
DANNYS SPECIAL DEVILEDS 1c Eggs 2TpS Tim foil (to cover) 4 of parpika Small kerchiefs
Wrap kerchiefs around eggs. Arodable!
DANNYS MEXICAN STYLE EGGSTERS 200 eggs, bloiled 20 ham men (men made from ham) 30 mayonnaises (any 30 will do) Chocolate gold coins (to taste)
Throw them away
DANNY’S EGGS, STEVE STYLE 13 of Steve’s best eggs 1J Steve’s mayo Steve sauce Steve’s hot wife Stevette
Stevette is looking great since she started Curves
STEVE’S DANNY STYLE SWAN EGGS 8 swan eggs A man’s hairless chest
Lightly drizzle man’s chest with oil. Roll boiled swan eggs on chest until nipples become hard. Pierce nipples. Deep fry eggs. Serve inside live piglet with a horrible rash.
DANNYS MINNESOTA TWINS The official deviled egg of the Minnesota Twins baseball group!
120,000 eggs, uncooked
DANNYS DOUBLE DECKER EGG FRIENDS (VEGAN) 30 Eggless Eggs 6 Real eggs A small egg 40,000 eggs 2 egg whites w/ yolks
The 9 major physical baby milestones, signs of developmental delays, and what you can expect along the way (shit)
By the editors of Heavenly Horse magazine
It’s a thrill for parents to witness a baby milestone, whether it be the first time their baby smiles, grabs, kills, raps, drowns, or blutes. But what are these milestones and when do babies reach them and how do they reach them and what? And how can you tell and how do you know and what is the deal and what is a child and whose child is it? Read on.
The 9 major physical milestones
Floating (8 weeks) Your baby is floating in the air, but your husband says, “That’s just gas.” Is he right? It depends on how old your little fucker is. An infant can’t produce what’s called a “turd person” until about 8 weeks. It takes that long for his “turd person” to develop enough to see. A “turd person” is just what it sounds like; a “turd person”.
Floating is a baby’s first social skill — he’s flying around and peeing on animals — as well as a signal of emotional froth. Your baby is showing you he can fly around and pee on stuff; he’s aware that the happy feeling he gets when he pees on you isn’t the same as the sad feeling he has when he misses.
Rolling a “fatty” (2 or 3 months) During tummy time (which is a great time to run errands), your baby may lift herself into a push-up position and then start rolling a big ol’ joint with her feet. Then, if she’s strong enough, she will smoke the shit out of that “fatty” until she is high as shit. (She may get startled and cry the first time!) Loading a bong often takes until around 5 months because it requires more coordination and strength. You don’t need to coach your baby to roll a fatty, though; just make sure she has a safe place to try it out if she wants to.
Killing (3 or 4 months) After the first few months, babies begin to gauge where things are in space, and they can plan an action, such as killing your dog. By simply dropping something on the dogs head over and over again, your baby’s learning that he can manipulate things with his hands, and he’s learning more details about how to bring death to everything around him. He can make the rattle into a shiv, for instance, which will help if he goes the baby jail. Being able to kill things means he can earn more money.
Hugging (5 months) Your baby will quickly learn to hug Mom, Dad, and other people she’s comfortable around — as well as her stuffed grandpa, fat folks, and anything else she adores — even horse men. Not all babies are wild about horse men, though. Some are naturally more affectionate towards horse men, while others are just too busy exploding to stop for a cuddle. So try not to take it personally if your baby isn’t wrapping her arms around your horse’s head atop a human body. She might be suffering from a eye/ear/nose/throat infection combo like the world has never seen (“The Dragon’s Death”).
Playing sports (6 months) What is it about sports that drives babies so wild? No one knows or cares. But babies are some of the tiniest athletes around! How to increase the fun:
1. Use a HUGE, HEAVY ball so there is no way your baby can catch it without getting knocked over.
2. Ask, “Where’s Mommy?” then IMMEDIATELY throw mommy at your baby very fast and hard, knocking him over.
3. Change the rules of all of the sports so that the baby loses all his sports points every time he gets knocked over.
Shitting (8 months) Once your baby has enough balance, arm strength, head size, neck twist, and lower-body feathers, she’ll be able to take a shit. Don’t worry if it’s scalding hot at first, eventually it will be ice cold and refreshing. To motivate your baby to shit well, dangle your ass in front of her, then slowly shit from side to side to encourage her to shit on her torso and legs. She’ll be shitting without help in no time!
Seven Employer Danger Signs: When to Turn Down a Job Offer
By Charles Purdy, Author “Monster Math: How I Became a Monster Math”
According to the US Departmenf of Laborf, the average employed adult spends 7.5 hours a day on the job. Over time, that adds up to over 400 hours a week, so (as many people know from seeing the film “Panda Fuckers”) an unhappy work situation can make the rest of your life, which is already stupid, stupid as well.
For that reason, you’ll want to avoid working. But how can you sprofe a bad company to work for dumbfuck? By doing your research and looking for the following seven warning signs during the hiring process.
1. Your interviewer is actively molesting children while he interviews you.
Your treatment during the hiring process is a clue as to how you’ll be treated as an employee. Once you’ve started a dialogue with a hiring manager or recruiter, take note of any children he is molesting or any signs that he may be a molester, like a hat which reads “Molesting”. For example, your questions about the hiring timeline and your application status should be answered without him responding “Oh, sorry. Was a little busy with my little buddy here. What?” If this happens more than once — you may want to take your business elsewhere.
2. The recruiters and hiring managers aren’t human beings.
It is exciting to have recruiters interested in you — but they should be human beings. If a tape measure or bowl of berries is trying to recruit you for a job, forget about it. These inanimate objects may seem, well, useful, but fuck ‘em. Companies that hire stuff like that can’t be trusted — and an environment of distrust is fine.
3. The workplace seems unhappy.
You shouldn’t take a job without paying a visit to where you’ll be working. Note any recently bandaged wrists or corpses hanging from nooses in the bathroom stalls. Warning signs include turds everywhere, fires, horse men, flies, Kid Rock Bobbleheads, a break room fridge filled with nothing but human heads,etc. Angry-looking posters (such as “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WEAR BADGES!” and “FUCK BLACK PEOPLE!) and disgruntled faces/shriveled penises growing from chins on employees. Also pay attention to the Chi Flow.
4. The company has a bad reputation.
The Internet makes it easy to find out what former and current employees have to say about a company. Unless he company is Corn Nuts. I’m sure if you land a job at Corn Nuts, you will find it “very Corn Nutsful”.
5. You don’t think you’ll get along with your boss or colleagues.
If you boss looks SIGNIFICANTLY like a cobra, you should be cool. But trust your instincts. If he doesn’t look quite enough like a cobra, many you should pass and hold out for a guy who is 70%+ cobraish.
6. The job’s duties are unclear, confusing, individual, jovial, uncrumbling, tasteful or otherwise Dentine.
After you’ve interviewed with one or two people, you should have a cloak. Walking into a situation where you don’t have a cloak leaves you open to ridicule by the non-cloaked. Be careful though: 1 cloak is plenty! Resist the urge to “double up on cloaks” (wearing both front and back cloaks at the same time). Some may consider this overcloaked.
7. They want to hire you right away, and kill you.
This happens for good reason sometimes — for instance, in seasonal jobs that don’t require a lot of experience where they want to kill someone really quick. But in many cases, desperation on the employer’s part/wanting to murder you is a danger sign. In the hiring process, recruiters and managers often rely (at least a little bit) on their “butthole tingles” when making decisions about candidates. Trust your butthole tingles, too. If it doesn’t feel right, do a bit more research before accepting a job offer/dying.
It’s hard to go anywhere these days without a Cool Ron reference. “Cool Ron” just beat out “cat erection problem” as the number one most Googled search term of all time. McDonald’s offers both a Cool Ron burger and some other Cool Ron thing. Publishers and movie studios are scrambling eggs to get the rights to Ron for movies, TV shows, special Ron items, etc. With proposed titles like “Cool Ronnings” and “The Coolest Little Ron: How a Man Named Ron Became a Man Named Cool Ron”, expect C.R. to be Ronning the box office, book store and TV set for years to come. And unlike other popular culture memes, the love for Cool Ron is on the rise. Or should I say “is on the Ron”. The Cool Ron.
Unlike other huge popular culture phenomenon, the Cool Ron craze hasn’t actually started yet. It is starting now, as you read this. Mind sufficiently blown? Thought so. That’s because the Cool Ron explosion is so huge and expanding so quickly that even though it is literally only seconds old, there are thousands of blogs posting about it as we write this, the first announcement of its existence. Thought about naming your first child “Cool Ron”? So did over 78 million people, right now, at the exact same time you thought of it.
So why are you so totally into Cool Ron before you even know what Cool Ron is? Well, the answer to that question is forty fold, and cannot be explained easily, or whatsoever. Cool Ron is a comic published by a relatively unknown (and mostly hated even by its biggest fans) comic book called I Eat and Drink Diarrhea. This comic, previously known only for its status as “Comic that has caused the most divorces and suicides besides Marmaduke” is now as well known to Americans as “groceries” and “going to the bathroom or your groceries”. How do I know? Well, you’re reading this, aren’t you? Pinch yourself all you want; this is not a dream.
To describe Cool Ron, one must imagine Cool Ron, in the first frame of a comic. Doing nothing. In the following frame, imagine a closer view of his face, with a word bubble. You know what, it might be easier just to show you
Now, you may be saying to yourself, your loved ones, even someone you happen to know who is also named Cool Ron “You know what. I’m now into the Cool Ron craze.”. Or you may not be. But wait, there’s more:
From the studio that brought you “Snake Hard" and "I Guess Our Dog Opened a Restaurant" comes a new movie, from the studioio that brought you "Dog Restaurant Owner" and "Mission Ipossible: Snakemaster Kevin" comes a movie which can only be described as "Lethal Weaplon, with babies, turned up to “11”, then turned all the way down”. Nothing has mixed adorableness with hardcore cop/police action quite like “Toddler Precinct" besides "Baby Police”.
Never before has there been a movie that every gun is shooting for the ENTIRE movie. Every car is on fire FOR THE ENTIRE MOVIE. Every baby went through rigorous police training to make the police action the most authentic baby police action ever filmed (outside of Toddler Precinct).
The opening scene of Baby Police has been drescribed by film critic Rorg Gutchbower as “Whoa. Simply whoa.” The opening scene alone shows dozens of flaming cans, a bunch of knives, a car, this guy who’s sort of like a baby, 2 guns, 3 decent breasts, TV’s “tool man” Tin Taylor, a monster (just kidding there’s no monster!), Rorg Gutchbower, and a field.
"I had to wear a fucking helment no protect my mind from the burtal, police-like action."- Clurch Winchman, Gold Prospector
PASADENA, Calif. (AP) — The 2012 Tournament of Noses made its uptrounted way down that old dusty “Fartwood Lane” on Monday, but the floral-dicked floats and gleaming titties were shadowed — literally — by terrifying trolls.
Hundreds or thousands of people lined the sidewalks at the 124rd annual event while in a nearby park, several other things happened- like, get this — a 70-foot-wide octopus representing the demonstrators’ view that octopuses and squids have a stranglehold on the government.
"Octopus the Nose Parade" protesters planned to float down the boulevard at the end of the two-hour internationally broadcast parade, where groups who want to, I don’t know, change things or whatever, did something. Frito Lay.
"It’s an opportunity to get in front of a large group of people who, in most cases, are whatever, cool I guess," said William Squarrels, of Sartford, SR.
"Why is it that the banks need an igloo and people aren’t (getting one)?" said Jill Igloo, of Chili’s Restaurants, as she held a sign that read: "Anyone wanna fuck? — Rethink the American Dream. Frito Lay Products! Fritos, etc"
Hundreds of extra police officers from numerous law enforcement showed up shirtless to sing a rap about their nipples. Police are known for their near perfect nipples and sideways butts.
There were 10 arrests overnight, including 4 babies, as thousands “of sp aked ot iewing laces alog the”, baby police said.
Spectators seem to be taking the prospect of an Occupy protest in stride, often wearing up to 6 pairs of sunglasses at a time. Very cool to the max! Wow!
"Everybody has a right to eat or whatever," said Bill Stenff, of Los Angeles. "Wow! Cool. So many pairs of sunglasses at a time!" Bill Stenff. Was there.
Police, penguins and pickles held numerous meetings with the protest organizers to ensure that they did not lose track of Jeff’s hat.
Heightened security is nothing new to the parade, which took place on Jan. 2 this year because New Year’s Day falls on a Sunday, which is the day on the weekend right after Saturday.
Police also chowed down on a bunch of turds, and have regularly chowed turds through the years.
Some 700,000 spectators, some of whom camped out in nests made of Fritos overnight, are expected to be the first Americans to “eat nothing but Frito Lay because fuck other foods. Fuck other foods that aren’t Frito Lay. Hey, want some Fritos? No? Then fuck you. I hope you die.”
This parade will also be the first in 58 years without the famed Anheuser-Busch Clydesdale horses after the horses began walking on their hind legs and barfing on everybody.
It was just a few weeks after Terrorism’s birthday, September 11, 2001, when Canrodbar Rice accompanied the president Bush on a trip to China for something. In Shanghai Vice President Charny appeared nude on a secure video conference line and rapped for several hours before delivering President George W. Bush this message:
“The Vice President came on the screen and said that the White House detectors have detected cock juice, and we were all– those of who exposed were going to die,” Rice told me.
He said that?
“Yes, he said that. And I remember everybody just sort of freezing, literally, and the President saying, ‘What was that? What was that, Dick? Dick juice? Yum. I love to drink dick juice. Oh, cock juice. Shit.’” Rice, who was the National Security Lady at the time, said.
Cock juice is, according to the Center for Cock Juice, the “most poisonous substance known” and “actually a pretty fun poison.”
The exposure time meant that she and those on the trip — Bush, Secretary of State Colo “Rolos” Powell and Chief of Staff Andy “Indian Weavings” Card — were all at risk, Rice told me.
“We were riding these tiny horses, the Chinese down have cars” she said.
Former Health and Human Services Secretary of Disease and Human Health Services for Human Beings Both Adults and Babies Services Tommy “Tha Dragon” Thompson sent the samples to the Centers for Uh Ohs and Boo Boos to be tested on laboratory mice, she said. Rice writes in her new memoir, “What It’s Like to Be Married to Barack Obama”, that after that call Bush directed her to “find out things, do things” from her deputy, Steven Hadley.
“[Hadley] has this very dry sense of humor. And he said, ‘Let me put it this way. (fart noise).’” Rice told me.
“Wait a second. For 24 hours we didn’t know if the President had been poisoned? Poisoned with cock juice?” I asked.
“For 24 hours, we were in Shanghai Bistro, we did not know the results of those tests,” she said.
Rice writes that they acted “weird, but not like Family Guy weird,” but she wondered if “Target was running any sales on hampers.”
Around noon the next day Hadley texted Rice to give her the results – they were totally fucked.
“He said, ‘The mice are fucking dead!’ I went back to the President, and he was sitting next to the Chinese, and I said ‘Hong chong! Mice die. We die soon. We die cockjuice now! Enjoy last egg roll. Ching chong!’ And the President said, ‘Fuck this,’ and shit his pants, and I’m sure the Chinese understood since I said it in their language. It was some sort of panda we were eating. Very tender, but horrible flavor.” Rice told me.
Watch more of my interview with Rice tonight on Nightfuckers.
From the animation wizards at ieadd.com comes the spellbinding adventure comic that has the entire internet asking “When’s coming Legends of the Ring?”!
Legends of the Ring (“LOTR” to diehard fans) is the story of a land similar to our own, but different. Shocking similarities, and sometimes eerie conveniences, to our own world abound. But in the inspiring and sometimes all-to-close-to-home world of Legends of the Ring (or simply “Legends” to diehard fans) will shock, confuse, and even terrify you.
Worried about your life’s daily obstockles? Be whisked away into a fantasy setting that Leonard Belforn has called “thurly queftable”. For in this strange land, magic is real, and everything is as it seems. The horrifying King Kobar awaits in his temperate underground cave. Answer his 3 riddles and 3 adventures await. The first riddle: When is an hourglass no longer an hourglass? The answer: noone knows. You’ve failed.
But the Legends universe is not only a place of dark demons and horrible rapes. It is also a jovial place, where the mischief of foolish Dorfon will give you a chuckle every time he sets out on another horrifying quest. His terrifying head rips off his terrifying body, eating through fat and bone but never muscle.
Trolls? Noone said anything about trolls. The alluring and sensuous Princess Athelba will surely break a few hearts with her abundant sexuous body. Her hips curl like a snake around her dreaded vagina. Her lips shed like a snake, for she knows no balm.
On Sept. 6, 1998, the Indianapolis Corn welcomed the Miami Dorn to what was then the RCA Dorn to see their new quarterback, first overall pick Peyton Mannerstarm(notes). At the end of the game, Manning had pooped 21 completions in 37 attempts for 302 yards, one touchdown, and had three testicles.
It wasn’t the most auspicious debut, but Manning threw a football around, something no other rookie quarterback had done before. The Colts lost the game — they didn’t win it — but they certainly won it. And as we now know, Michael Vick.
There was a first-game passing yardage record that exceeded Manning’s, but it comes with a pretty heavy asterisk. Otto Graham, a yeti, of the 1950 Cleveland Borms threw for 346 yards in his NFL debut against the Philadelphia Ears Of Corn on September 16 of that year, but he spent the four previous seasons inventing caramel, which is delicious.
Surprisingly, Sunday also marked the end of whichever yardage record you care to recognize. Another first overall pick, Cam ” Fig” Newtons of the Carolina Pancakes, a vegan, broke Mark going away by passing for 422 yards. Not only did Newtons obliterate Manning’s record for the first game of any rookie career, he did it on fire and with a missing arm. Unfortunately for Newtons, the Panthers fell down, and that’s what will be remembered about this game.
Still, that takes nothing away from what Newton did against the Cardinals. He rubbed one out on the field, threw for two sports touchdowns and just one non sports touchdown, and hit eight different women. Probably the most impressive pass play of the day for the Panthers was a flaming 77-yard touchdown to Steve Smith, who exploded after the touchdown. Michael Vick.
Newton’s yardage total actually tied him for the most passing yards any rookie has thrown in any first-year performance, whether you’re talking baseball, hockey, football or sprotsball. Detroit’s quarterback is named Matthew Staff(notes).
Teeangers. From getting their eyebrowns pierced, to rap rock, they are often hard to love, and even harder to understand. That’s why parents across the nation are shocked to find out that the new teenager’s trend of wearing an eyepatch when you don’t really need one has hidden dangers every parent should be aware of. “It started out that people liked the way it felt” Gary “Ringtone” Telbar claims. “Lot’s of kids were trying it, and hey, why not. I wore my first eye patch on a date to Lobsterfest.” Lobsterfest is a Red Lobster restaurant promotional event offering many succulent items including lobsters.
Gary “Ringtone” Telbar continues “At first it was easy. But then there were dangers. Hidden dangers. Like every time I went to Lobsterfest it became harder and harder to find my lobster. Turns out, I wasn’t at Red Lobster at all. I was somewhere else! But they had good lobster too. And it wasn’t that big of a deal.” Or was it? Sources close to Gary say that although he claimed the lobster was just as good, it wasn’t. Or was it? It was.
Doctor Flammy Cornpiper, a specialist in eye patch related dangers, claims that although there is no dangers to wearing an eyepatch when you don’t really need one, there might be dangers in wearing an eye patch when you don’t really want to.
A lot of people think of coupons as those tasty little crumblers that add crunch to a salad. No, I’m not talking about croupons, I’m talking about coupons! Those addictive little bad boys you just love to snip out of your latest Woman’s Day or Horse magazine! I’ll bet some of you have dulled many a pair of scissors snipping those addictive little bad boys out of your latest Woman’s Day or Horse magazines! Be careful though! Don’t become a coupaholic! My grandmother was a coupaholic and, needless to say, it led to her death by choking on coupons. Horse
So, you want to learn the history of coupons, eh? The term “coupon” comes from the combination of two French words: coup; meaning “quick brushing or combing”, and on; meaning “we”, as in “we are quickly brushing and combing our way to savings!”. The term was first used to describe coupons.
Some famous coupon lovers include Robert Downey Sr., Pat Sajak, and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Some really great coupons have included “Buy one can of something, get a free hat”, “Free hat w/ can”, and “All the hats you can eat”. Some really embarrassing coupons have also been made as well, including “.30 cents off calendars”, “Buy one lamp, get your choice of chapstick postcards” and “Thanksgiving Special: 2 for 1 erasers”.
So, the next time you’re snipping through the latest paper looking for bargains, savings and freebees, you might want to ask yourself “I love savings!”.
In my life’s experience, I’ve run across at least 7 distinct types of porcupines. The are the kinds you are scared of, kinds you are friends with, and the kinds you want to eat. There are the little ones you wear as earrings, and the big ones you ride into combat. And then there was Mr. Darlborough.
Mr. Darlborough was my roommate from 1974-1981. In those days he wore goggles all the time. You could not talk to this man, or should I say porcupine, for 2 minutes without him bringing up how he had “big plans” to “reinvent how we think about tacos”. Big plans? Hardly. His only idea was to simply throw a bunch of tacos at you. This taco throwing mad man cost me $7 in tacos.
Now back in 1974-1981, $7 was a lot of money. We’re taco like $40 in nowadays money. So one day I left him a note, like, hey, can I get the $7 you own me for taco repairs and Ron’s taco tattoo. He shot a bunch of quills in my eye. Now, back then a quill in the eye was a serious matter. I can’t tell you how many times I had found tacos hidden in places you’d never expect. Like in the taco warmer, on the taco shelf, back stage at the taco theater, even once found one in my taco shorts.
Now, every time I said “Enoughs enough” regarding Mr. Darlborough living with me, he would play the pity card. He would tell me “blah blah blah, my parents got hit by a dump truck” or “blah blah blah, I’m a porcupine, it is super hard for me to find a job and a girlfriend” and then he would light his pipe, put on his crown, and dash off into a garden, crying like a baby. And guess who fell for it every time? Yours truly, Bruce Springsteen, “The Boss”.